Mental? Damned right I am


Somethings are often buried so deep inside, we dont know or recognise they are there. Some days I just have the urge to try and be creative. So I put on some music, close my eyes and drift. Then I just wait and see what comes out. Whatever it is, I let it come of its own free will and try not to influence whatever it is to much by way of thoughts drfting to other things. I suppose its a form of meditation really? Although that could be a million miles from the truth.

Anyway, this is what appeared,

I am the Avatar.

 

today at 2:08 pm

Its time to run away and hide,

From the spotlight I always shied,

Find a hole and take deep cover,

Hoping that life will never discover,

That I am a lie, a fable so told,

Heart like ice, only twice as cold,

What I project is a mere facade,

Solid as rock only just as hard,

The real persona burried, forgotten,

Festering, its core completely rotten,

A seathing mass of bitterness and bile,

Theres just no way to reconcile,

The person I am with the person you see,

The deception is a door and I am the key,

I am the chameleon, forever changing,

Adapting constantly, forever rearranging,

Emotions in check, hidden below,

What I am thinking you will never know,

I am the avatar, an image of my hidden being,

The one I insist you will be seeing,

Tap your screen, I am always there,

Sitting with my five mile stare,

I smile for you whenever you ask,

But the scowl is always behind the mask,

I laugh on cue, at jokes you find amusing,

So I must be real you are assuming,

Define real, and tell me my name,

I’ll gladly play this little game,

I tease and taunt and dazzle and charm,

So how could I cause you harm?

That depends on who you see,

And if it is really me!

You see, ever since I was a young child, I have been running. I am like Forrest Gump, I run and run and run with no idea of where I am going or why. I am driven by fear, but fear of what ir who I have no idea. So to hide that fear, I have become somewhat of a chameleon and built myself a persona that fulfills my social responsibilities. This is the person I want to be, the one who everyone around me sees, but this is not who I am. I dont know who I am anymore. I have told so many lies, hidden so many truths, I no longer know what the difference is.

I hold most people in contempt. I dislike people very much. I should have been an animal. People just make this world a desolute place. How can anyone be lonely in amongst 6 billion people? But lonely I am. Frightened I am.

Since childhood, I have had a recurring dream. Over the years the dream has evolved somewhat, maybe to compensate for my age? But about 12 yrs ago, it got very scary and upset me, but also horrified me as well. I have no comprehension of why, but deja vu is not even close.

This dream is about running. Always running. Theres no destination, that was until about 12 yrs ago. If anyone knows the area I am talking about, then you will have more understanding of this dream/nightmare. The scene is where the M1 motorway joins the M62 motorway just south of Leeds. Its a strange stretch of road. Filter lanes all over the place and a couple of long, sweeping bends that are part of an underpass into the filter lane to join the M62. Anyway, until 12 years ago, I had never been on this motorway. I always went south via the A1. But one day I was heading down to Liverpool and the journey took me onto this stretch of road. When I saw it on approach, I damned near crashed the truck I was driving. It was like being hit by a boxer in the stomach and all the breath is knocked out of you. Scary? Fuck, you bet it was.

In the dream, I am running on this piece of the motorway with my partner. We are being chased by a gang of youths/men. The underpass is in a very steep sided canyon and the only way out is ahead. Accept for one small access ladder from the road above. The scene always appears slightly appocoliptic, kind of futuristic, but not. We are running into the underpass, chased down by these fuckers, whoever they are. Now I have always been fit, but my partner, she has not. She aint fat, just doesn’t do much exercise other than her job. So she is trying desperately to keep up with me. We see this access ladder ahead and I decide thats the way to go. We reach it and start climbing. We make the first level and theres two more levels until we are clear of the canyon. We climb the 2nd level, but these bastards are gaining on us. I am urging my lass on, shouting and screaming at her to get moving, fast. We clear the 3rd level and I can see an old service station and know this is a good place to hide, reast, draw breath and figure out what to do next. The old service station is surrounded by a tall wire fence to prevent access. We are going up and over it, no other option. Me, I can climb anything. I am at the top in no time and am reaching down to try and help my lass. One of these fuckers is at the fence before I know it and is dragging my lass back down. I am holding on for dear life, but then another appears and I cant hold on any longer. In the Hollywood films, the hero [me] jumps to the ground, kicks ten bags of shit out of the bad guys and we all live happily ever after. Only not in this movie we dont. Oh I get down alright, on the other side of the fence. Theres 5mm of wire between me and her and I cant do shit. The rest of the posse of motherfuckers arrive and I know deep down, thats the end for my lass. I cant protect her anymore. I watch, helpless, totally and utterly helpless as they rape her, over and over, then, thank God, they murder her. I see every single second of this played out before me and theres fuck all I can do about it. But the guilt, fuckin hell, the guilt, I am drowning in it, its in my lungs and expelling all the air. I watched her die and did nothing. I stood there like a fucking statue and let them rape her and then watched her die and I did NOTHING to help her.

You see, this loops back and we return to where I began. I am scared, I am frightened, of something I cannot see or feel, but whatever it is, I am petrified, terrified of it and I am running and I dare not stop. I dont know anything else, its all I have ever done. But to stand there and do nothing, I am so ashamed of myself. But how can I be, its a dream/nightmare. But seeing that road, when I did, the way I did, that did more, much more than put the wind up me.

Once the dream is over, I usually wake up, sweating and sometimes crying. Little boys cry over this shit, tough guys like me dont cry. Who am I kidding? And theres the crux boys and girls, who am I really kidding other than myself? Sadly, I know the real me. I see him each and every time I look in the mirror. I used to think I was so fuckin smart, so fuckin clever. I could fool anyone, anywhere, anytime I liked. You dont wanna mess with me, I am hard. Lies, more lies, lies on top of lies. I am not hard, I am scared and the fear has finally caught up with me and I dont know what to do about it. I am confused, this other me is trying to surface, but I dont want him to. I am frightened to see him. Why not, what do I have to fear from myself? I dont know, I really dont know and I dont know that I want to find out. But the road I am on now, is taking me to him. I am resisting, I am trying to fight it, but somehow I am compounded to go on. Its almost like its out of my hands now, I have lost control of the avatar that was me, that IS me, and theres no going back. You open a can of worms, what do you get? Something that maybe you didn’t expect.

So thats me I suppose. Just a frightened little boy, on a road he does not want to be on, to a place he doesn’t want to go, but has little choice about it.

I am still lying, to myself, my partner and everyone who thinks they know me. Know one knows me, I dont even know myself anymore. But maybe its time to stop lying and be who I was meant to be, if its not too late already.

 

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