Here we go again. Only this time, hopefully things wont swerve towards a rant like it did yesterday.
I had an interesting meeting this am with my head doc and really let rip and got a lot of frustration out and felt instantly better. But, this is what my sessions with her are becoming and that is not the reason for seeing her. I think we are nearing wrap up time and me attempting life on my own two feet again. Compared to this time last year, this is a huge step forward. Its something I need to try for my own sanity and its something that got pointed out to me today. Many of the answers I know myself, inside. The apathy has to go, the reasons for not doing what needs to be done have to stop. The goals I have set myself for this year need to be met.
Now the funny thing is. I recently was going through some of the mountains of poker info I have now and came across an article called Putting it All Together. Its about what the title says, taking all of the relevant information and putting it altogether to make the foundations of a poker strategy and playing style. Today, I was given a short exert from a book that was about taking the 3 phases I have come through and putting it all together. When I got home and sat and read it properly, it was like someone switiched me on. It dawned on me that I had more knowledge in me than I realised and I need to pull it all together and make it work for me and not against me.
I know what causes me problems and I know I now have ways of dealing with those things. It was there all the time, I just needed reminding again. I know and am now accepting that my condition is possibly for life now and I have to build a life that recognises that fact and takes into account what I do daily to get through the goals I have set. I am brave, I am strong and on those days that I doubt that, all I have to do is open the right drawer in my mind and I know how to deal with it. Its a little like a eurika moment. Certain pieces have fallen into place and I can see how and where they fit. Its never going to be easy. I am going to have good days and bad days. I will relapse into places I have been before, but this time, I have some tools to use to dig myself out again. This condition will prevent me somedays from doing what I know I can do, but it wont be every day. I have to treat each day on its own merits and get through the bad ones, somehow. But when the good ones arrive, I need to take maximum benefit from them. That will help my self esteem and confidence. I will learn again that I am worthy of love and I have something to offer. That might be insignificant to others, but me its of huge significance. I need to rely on myself again and rely on those around me want the best for me. Thats been so hard to do this last year. I felt the world and his wife was against me, but thats BS. Its a contorted view of things and I know that now.
As for the rest of the crap that surrounds me, I will deal with it as I go. I shall tackle the injustice of my condition and climb above it instead of allowing it to drag me down into that bottomless pit. I can marry what I know to what I feel and make it work for me and not against me. I am learning to like myself again and that folks, is just massive, totally massive and will and is boosting me to another level. I have to maintain that whenever possible. i need to recognise the signs and act before its too late, I know I have what I need to do that now. I am on my way to a better place. It wont be ideal, but what is? But it will be so much better than it has been for so long. Finally I am climbing out of that abyss and starting to see the sun again. I am going to get out of life whatever I can, to hell withthe condition, why let that rule my whole life and possibly ruin it? Thats folly. I know I can do this. I am going to need support along the way, for sure. Friends and family are going to be more important than ever. The doom merchants and those who look to bring me down wont have a place in my life anymore, not if I can help it.
So all in all, its been a good day today and the beginning of something very positive.
I need to say a huge thankyou to some of those people who have continued to have some sort of faith in me and have more faith in myself. The people who have helped me overcome the bad times and helped me and encouraged me to where I am at now. I have no idea where I would have been without that, I really dont want to dwell on it either. I have to stop overthinking things and go back to making life simple. It wont be easy doing that, but its more than possible to do. If I can get some routines in place, the amount of time I have to think will be reduced and that will be a good thing, trust me.
So to the ones who have some idea of who I am, I owe a debt of gratitude. To those who have read my words and my rants and have made suitable comments, I owe you much, you have helped get me here, now, today.
Tomorrow the sun will rise and it will be another day. I have goals for tomorrow, I hope I can meet them to prove to myself that I can do it. Have faith in me again, I know I can do this, tomorrow, the next day and the day after that. Progress maybe slow, a few backwards steps may be taken along the road, but this time I am not giving up, thats way to fucking easy and I dont do easy, I never did. The challenge is there, the gauntlet is down and I have to rise to that challenge and take up that gauntlet and move forwards as often as I can. The days when I cant, I need to be logical and not beat myself up over it. Start again and set the goals for the next day. To do that I need to take 30 mins a day to focus on what my goals will be for the following day. Thats not so tough is it? The goals maybe to just make it through the day with no mishaps, no falls, no arguments and be able to set more goals. To do that is something new to me, but its what I need. My head doc showed me the way, it was friggen subtle, I did not see it until I got home, but tomorrow really is the beginning of the rest of my life. If I never drive again, so fuckin what. I can get the train, the bus, walk, but I dont need to stay home mourning the fact I cant drive again. If I never get rid of these damned sticks, so be it, I will use them for as long as I have to. I will ride the jokes and the funny looks and just repeat inside my head, fuck you! Thats the rebel coming back, thats the old me surfacing again and that feels so good, I cant tell you how good though, there are no words to express it.
I want to shout out tothe world,
“Watch out, I am back” but I am saying to myself and will continue to do so.
Its been the toughest 14-16 months of my life, but I have come through it, mainly intact and still resonably sane. All the crap of the last couple of months is not going to bother me anymore. Its been so negative and I have allowed that to rule my days. Not anymore! This time, I am going to try and approach life with my old zest and whatever I can do, I am going to enjoy it and hope those that share it enjoy it too. Fuck poker forums and the drama and the bitching, I dont need it anymore. To hell with internet drama, it has ruled my life for way too long. To hell with those foolish people who insist they know whats best for everyone, take it somewhere else, I dont need your input.
This is like a drug and I want more of it.
The break away with my small family showed me I can tollerate [not enjoy, but tollerate] some of the things I was fearful of. Its still out of my comfort zone and probably always will be, but I know I can face that fear and do it anyway. The fear wont constantly rule my life anymore.
So, tomorrow, what are my goals?
First and foremost I need to contact my employment advisor and get that moving again. I need to collect all the documentation I have received from my head doc and read it all through again and make sure that I am using the information I have in the right ways. Then set goals for the next day. That might not seem much to some, but to me, its a start. I would be foolish to exhaust myself and have to be sensible and pace myself. If I overdo things, I know what the outcome is, so dont do it! If I meet the goals consistently, then and only then can I think about pushing that bit more. But it has to be done in a way that wont overstetch me. Tiredness leads down long, empty corridors that I dont need to venture down.
So if nothing else, wish me luck and I hope the next blog I write is in the same vein as this one.