Locking the vault one last time.

Over the last few weeks, I have endeavoured to create myself a virtual vault. This blog is part of that endeavour.

I need to have an outlet for my emotions. I did always have sport, but since having this condition I am now lumbered with, that’s gone out of the window. Three years is a long [ish] time in anyones life. I have wasted three years of mine so far mourning the loss of my former life. Talking it all over with my head doc [psychologist] and learning about what has been taking place has led me to believe that I need some form of outlet other than losing my temper, or getting depressed or being bitter. That is hopefully all behind me now. It wont be easy, but I have to move on. So I came up with the idea of this virtual vault. Whats its purpose? Well, over the last three years I have found writing to be somewhat of a salvation. It has helped me understand more about myself and its has helped me express some of my thoughts and feelings. I was using a blog at a poker forum where friends could read and comment, but that is no longer an option. So I use this place instead. Of course, I use my mind as well. Heres how it works.

I write something about an event or an emotion or feeling and that is getting out of my system. With it being written online, it’s not instantly accessible to me or anyone else. I can log out and not think about the situation anymore. But that’s hard to do every time. So in my mind, I have built a vault to store all these emotions and feelings so that they don’t constantly occupy my mind. Like logging out here, I close the door and it stays shut until I have something else to store there, just like here. This is a bricks and mortar vault, I can physically open and close, my mind is the virtual vault that I am learning to operate in the same way. So far, it does appear to be working and I hope it continues that way. Just offloading frustration and anger helps me to move forward, but why should I make someone suffer the weight of my woes? Thats where the idea came from, weird as it may seem.

Once I am content with my life again, I can try to lock the door to that vault and leave it that way. That’s the aim anyway, time itself will tell if its possible or not. Of course, I think it’s a great idea, but some will say its stupid or wont work, and I agree to a point. But its worth a try, anything is worth a try at this point in proceedings. I just want some semblance of a life again not only for myself, but for my family as well, they deserve some kind of a life as much as I do. Just to chase my little Tinkerbell once, would be, I don’t know how to express it really, amazing doesn’t say it, its more than that. She is three now and I had 3 months of being a “normal” grandad before I became ill. We spent four days away with her in Feb and it was the best time I have had with her since she was born. That made me desire more of the same and somehow I will get there.

An old friend of mine, well, an old flame, who became a good friend has osteoporosis and is confined to a wheelchair now. But four years ago, I made her promise me a walk, where we used to walk when we were young, just kids. She made that promise and its going to take two operations on her hips to keep that promise. If she can do that, I am damned sure I can do it too.She is braver than I will ever be. How she copes I don’t know, but  she does. One day, we will have that walk, just like we used to, but as friends, and enjoy every step of the way.


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