Noble Steed


This is a first for me. I am trying  a new form of poem, bought about, invented if you like, by Luke Prater. The prompt was to try to write our own Octain. I had no idea what an Octain was until today, so for those of you who are like myself, here is its definition and structure, as described on One Shot Poetry.

Structure:

eight lines as two tercets (three-line stanzas) and a couplet, eight syllables per line with the first line repeated (as much as possible) as the last. Meter is iambic or trochaic tetrameter, but fine to just count eight syllables per line for those who prefer that.


Rhyme scheme:

A-b-b
a-c/c-a
b-A

(A = repeated refrain line. ‘c/c’ refers to line five having midline (internal) rhyme, which is different to the a- and b-rhymes)

So here is my effort, it’s not right, I am sure of it, but its close, the amount of syllables is probably wrong. If that’s so, please point it out if possible and maybe even suggest a plausible edit. I mind not, I accept all constructive criticism, it’s the way to improvement.

Galloping stallion to battle, speed,
Clashing steel upon shield and armour,
Fighting for King, a Knights honour,

Defiant, this, most  noble steed,
Courageous, brave, send to their grave,
Enemies forsaken to bleed.

Thy presence dear friend ‘oft succour,
Galloping stallion from battle, speed.

Well, at least I tried.

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10 responses to “Noble Steed

  • libraryscene

    Nicely done ~ always a bit of fun to try a new form ~

  • claudia

    tino i like your octain a lot – and i like even more what you wrote about crit – that it is the way to improve. i can second that. i started to write form poetry only a few months ago and i have learned so much esp. from luke. and sometimes crit hurts but what good are all the nice words when they don’t help to grow. so let’s have a look… first – i really like the topic – puts me into a knight’s movie – really cool. the rhymes are good and structure as well – but as you thought – syllable count isn’t stable

    Galloping stallion to battle, speed, (9 syllables – you could make the stallion a horse)
    Clashing steel upon shield and armour, (9 syllables – exchange upon for on)
    Fighting for King, a Knights honour,

    Defiant, this, most noble steed,
    Courageous, brave, send to their grave, (love your c/c rhyme)
    Enemies forsaken to bleed.

    Thy presence dear friend ‘oft succour,
    Galloping stallion from battle, speed.

    hope this was helpful

    • Tino

      Thats brilliant, just the kind of response I was hoping for! I was counting and trying to decide, 8 or 9, 8 or 9? So I thought I would push my luck and hope that I got some feedback like this.

  • C Rose

    I think you did a very nice Octain, closing couplet was fantastic! ~ Rose

  • Luke Prater

    Tried.. with great success! aside from the syllable over-count in lines one and two, this is a fine Octain with plenty of forward movement and activity in it. Nothing boring about this one.

    You could rectify the syllable count issue like this –

    Galloping stallion: [to] battle, speed,
    Clashing steel [up]on shield and armour [removing words in brackets]

    Cheers

    Luke

    • Tino

      From the creator of Octains himself, praise indeed. Thank you for your input, definately appreciated. I must also say thanks for the pingback that I assume you posted there, I think I will sit and read that from Gay a little later on, there seems a lot to absorb and I can’t concentrate on an empty stomach.

      😉

      • Luke Prater

        Actually I didn’t pingback, I have no idea who that was from! Tino, I was meaning to ask, how would you feel about me including your Octain in an all-Octain thread I have running currently on FaceBook (where I invented it) – this is a thread where I’ve collected all Octains written so far in one place. Author of each retains copyright 100%, and I also put a link to your blog beneath. If you are on FB, I can tag you in the thread so you can see all of them together (we’ll be nearing 100 now depending on how many of the Form Monday bloggers are OK with it). I will probably stop collecting them together after the 100 mark, but it’s nice to see the originals of a form. If you aren’t on FB I can email you the entire thread. My FB account link is on my sidebar. Absolutely no problem and fully understand if you don’t wish to have yours included.

        Many thanks

        Luke

      • Tino

        OK, Own up, who did that pingback thingamyjig?

        Of course Luke, go ahead and use it any which way you want. I am sorry, but Facebook is not on my radar these days. I avoid the place like the plague, although it does have its uses. Feel free to use anything that I might have written, all I ever ask is that my name appears somewhere in relation to it. But its an honour to have any poems included anywhere.

  • Luke Prater

    Thank you, of course I’ll cite you as the author and link your blog also. Cheers my friend

  • Luke Prater

    let me know if you’d like the whole thread in an email? It’ll take a few days to ask/get permission to use some, hit me back in a few.

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