Bare in Mind


Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, Nobody

This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job.

Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done

The title is not incorrect, its a play on words.

I have no idea who wrote this, but it wasn’t me. I just think its something we need reminding of from time to time.

Who is Jack Schitt?

“Who is Jack Schitt?”, you ask. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says “You don’t know Jack Schitt!” Well now it is possible for you to intellectually handle this situation……………………….

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate married Oh Schitt, the owner of Knee Deep In Schitt Inc.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children : Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, Deep Schitt and Dipp Schitt.

Against her parents wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, the High School dropout.

After 15 years of marriage, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later re-married a Mr. Sherlock and because some of her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt – Sherlock.

Dipp Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son – Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens sisters in a dual ceremony. The local newspaper ran the story ‘The Schitt Happens Wedding’. The Schitt Happens chidren are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horse Schitt.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world and recently returned with his new Italian wife Pisa Schitt.

So now, when someone says “You don’t know Jack Schitt!”……………………………..you can correct them. 

I dont know who wrote this one either, just find it hilariously amusing.

A Dog named Sex

When I went to City Hall to renew my dog’s license I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like one too!” Then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.” He winked at me and said, “You must have been quite a kid.”

When I got married and went on my honeymoon I took my dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for my wife and myself, and a special room for Sex. He said, “You don’t need a special room for Sex. As long as you pay your bill, we don’t care what you do.” I said, “Look, you don’t seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny, I have the same problem.”

Well, one day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began the dog got loose and ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He said, “Wonderful! If you sell tickets you’ll clean up!” “But you don’t understand”, I said. “I want to have Sex on TV.” He said, “They already have that on Cable. It’s no big deal any more.”

Well my wife and I decided to separate, so we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said to the judge, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The Judge said, “The courtroom is not a confessional. Please stick to the facts.” Then I told him that after I was married Sex left me. He said, “Me too.”

Well last night Sex ran away again, and I spent hours looking all over for him. A cop came over to me and asked, What are you doing in this alley at four o’clock in the morning?” I said, “I’m looking for Sex.”

My case comes up soon.

Just a little something to help pass the day with a guffaw and a smile.

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About Tino

Fighting to save the sanity of a slightly demented forty something, who is fast approaching becoming a more than slightly demented fifty something ;-) View all posts by Tino

3 responses to “Bare in Mind

  • Elizabeth Newton

    These stories are great. Very funny. Maybe with your permission I’ll post them at the Poker Forum.

    • Tino

      Of course Liz, you know you dont need to ask. I wrote something dark yesterday, so thought to add some balance, I would do something cheerful today.
      I hope you are well and playing as often as you can, while you can.

  • Jackie Paulson Author

    I really enjoy your humor on this one!

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