What began as just the idea of one poem, has suddenly evolved into what could well be, a series about the side of myself I prefer others not to be privy to. We all have our own fears in life, some are true fears, some phobias and some are just plain idiocy to all others bar ourselves. Why would a person, 1000x the size of a spider, be afraid of such a small arachnid? Why would any sane person be afraid of a mouse? These irrational emotions/feelings are hard to explain for any of us. I have found my own fears fall into this realm. How do I conquer these fears? How can I overcome the insurmountable?
I dont have the answers, man I wish I did. I am sick of living in fear. Fear that this will change, that will change, fear that the kid in the hoodie is trouble, fear that my own doubts will become too much to bear and I shall descend into some form of insanity. Fear that in a world of 6 billion people, I feel so alone. Fear that some dumb fuck with an itchy trigger finger will press that red button and I shall die a painful lingering death. Fear that my family will be hurt by anyone or anything. Fear that I dont meet the expectation of others. Fear that I shall leave myself open to ridicule. Fear that I wont be accepted by peers. Fear of submitting when I know I am right. Fear of saying no for a change. Fear that if I love someone too much, it will all go wrong. Fear that I wont make it through the day. Fear that this life is meaningless.
Anyway, first I had This Ordinary Man, which is what I am, then I have This Frightened Man, which is also what I am. I dread [fear] what the next one might bring forth. But hopefully, finally recognizing myself, accepting what and who I am, might just lead to a more contented state of mind and a brighter future.
Look behind this flimsy facade,
Tell me, what do you see?
Do you see the fear in my eyes?
My spirit, drowning in misery.
How do I face such fear?
Is it easier to run and hide?
Who will walk with me hand in hand?
Who will be my guide?
Can you sense my terror?
As I fall into this chasm?
Is that you I see waiting for me?
Or just another phantasm?
How far down is it that I fall?
What is that terrible smell?
Is that brimstone and fire my own?
Is this my personal hell?
The wall I have built to surround me,
Noisily creaks and groans,
The struggle to hold back the deluge,
That will strip me back to bare bone.
Then the facade will be no more,
Am I back where all this began?
Look inside now and you will see,
The soul of this frightened man.
This does no say exactly what I want it to say, I have problems translating thoughts into words. For now, its about as close as I can get, so I shall leave it at that.
Submitted to dVerse Open Link Night. If you haven’t already, pop in and take a peek at some truly amazing poets and poems.