Ebb & Flow [The Bastard Man]

I think most of you who read my blog must by now be quite sure I have a screw or two loose or I am a few cookies short of a full packet? Well yes, I guess I am close to that sometimes.

I write about experiences and things that affect my life in some way or other, or something I relate easily to. Since 2008, I struggle to make it through some days. I am not sure exactly where the last 5 years went though, if that makes any sense at all?

I have found in my life, I have two personalities living in  one body. The real me, who cares, deeply, who loves, fiercely, I am passionate and romantic, I have principles and standards that I fight for and a small family I would die for. Then, there is Mr Bastard, the ‘other’ me. Some days, I wake up and for some reason or other, I am just in a bad mood. I have slept well, can’t remember dreaming about anything, but I am just angry at the world and everyone in it. I curse and swear at my long-suffering partner, I happily shout at the TV when someone says something I don’t like, or I treat their opinion with contempt. Sadly, I have the temperament of my dear father and I struggle to control it sometimes. The red mist comes out of nowhere and I am so so close to losing control. Thankfully, unlike my dear father, I have never stooped so low as to strike a woman, but man, have I been a gnats whisker away from doing just that. A few walls and doors have borne the brunt of my anger though.

I am pretty sure I am not alone in this. I would bet my bank balance that many others suffer the same, even though they may never admit it to anyone but themselves. So this is me, trying to convey the image of the one I call The Bastard Man, because sometimes, I am a complete and utter bastard to those I love and who love me. I feel guilty after the event and I always say sorry, eventually, but that will never make it right. Judge me if you want, I am used to it, but be assured, I am my own worst critic and no one can judge me any harder than I already judge myself.

Ebb & Flow [The Bastard Man]

The love spreads forth
as waves lap the beach
Tomorrow that love
maybe just out of reach
I enjoy today,
bask in its joy and its glory
I so wish tomorrow
would be the same story

The sun shines radiant
but theres no shining light
Just feelings of dread,
terror and fright
Hate lies below this facade
that appears so serene
Devouring my heart
like some rabid wolverine

Cheerful, smiling,
engaged in deep conversation
Building the bridges
of reconciliation
I love you, I adore you,
my embrace is your gaol
My arms shall protect you,
my love will prevail

Obscenities spew out
in a unbroken stream of bile
A look of fear replaces
that beautiful smile
Those bridges built
are now slowly burning
The bastard in me
is who you see returning

The duality of me
ebbs and flows like the tide
The bastard some days
will not be denied
He makes his appearance
whenever he prefers
I have no control of
when it occurs

The bastard in me
can spoil my tomorrows
Laughs in my face
as I drown  my sorrows
Today he cant touch me
for today is my castle
This morning it was me
who won the battle

A battle won
does not win me the war
Fighting some days
just seems a chore
I shall never lie down
or simply accept defeat
Each small victory
sees the bastard retreat

The bastard is here though
and here to stay
Neither of us can chase
the other away
Like brothers we exist
in this body as one
A simple fate
that cannot be undone

As always, the good folk over at dVerse have their Open Link Night, and we are week 78 already. So if you haven’t already, pop over to the pub, order a pint, pull up a stool and read some of the excellent work you will see offered there.


7 responses to “Ebb & Flow [The Bastard Man]

  • brian miller

    i think in some ways we all have that bastard that can spoil things…days…relationships even if we let it…there are times my blood gets up a bit and i have to temper myself…i have to take time away to get myself back right…a battle won does not win the war…true that man…

  • Jenny Herner

    I love the honesty of this. And your lack of give-up. You will win the war!

  • apshilling

    From one bastard to another
    I have to say, hats off to you Tino . . .

    Half the battle is in the realisation and acknowledgement
    of the bastard within, from this point onward, you are in a battle
    that you can never win . . .

    But by working hard and remaining aware
    you can attempt to equalise and settle for a draw . . .

    It’s not ideal but it is better than being like your dad . . T

    As ever Tino I enjoy your prose as much as your poetry
    and your honest approach is a credit to you . . .

    You old bastard! 😀

    all the best

  • Lindy Lee

    Good movies & bad movies. That’s life. No one has the right to judge one but oneself, as you say. You do write perfectly beautiful poetry…

  • dani

    i used to have a bitch ready to jump out at the slightest excuse. she’s still there but i have learned a way that works for me ~ isolate myself and deny her any satisfaction. over time {a couple of years now} she tries to get out less often and if she does, stays out for a shorter time. recognizing when she was ready to appear was key to me being able to distance myself in time to spare others from being subjected to her.

    kudos to you for your openness.

  • Victoria C. Slotto

    Really well done, Tino. There’s a lot to ponder in this.

  • claudia

    the good thing is, we don’t have to win the war in just one day, it’s many battles to be fought again and again..and it’s about taking small steps me thinks..and while we go, we learn and confidence grows and healing happens…

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