Tag Archives: Bastard

The Fightback

Seated in the usual position,
The grooves almost cut into the carpet
Noses through the spindles
The raised voices of anger
Words, base and harsh
Waiting now
For the inevitable
Tomorrow, the bruises will tell
Their own story.

Where are you today?
Why are you not here as you should be?
No treats today, no ride in a car
No film to enjoy at the Savoy
Just another dreary
Saturday afternoon
Same as every other dreary day
We miss you, I miss you
You should be here.

The Sudan, where is that?
Locust, what are they?
Desert, whats a desert?
How long for?
Will you write or maybe
send a postcard?
We will miss you, I will miss you

The presents as usual
The caravan as usual
or should we rightfully say mobile home?
Rain, incessant, pounding the roof
Chess, Happy Families [fucking joke that one is]
Fizzy pop, too many sweets
Back by five
Then how long until we see you again?

You took me in, gave me shelter
But below the surface
it was just the same person I had been warned about
I never believed or heeded those warnings
but they were true, all of them
then, I grew to hate you for real

The fateful day
Me, the usual atagonistic child, not a boy,
not a man, not even quite a teen
But bitter already, cynical
No child should be that way at such a tender age
but I guess thats life
I dont want to fight anymore
I am tired
But you will not strike me again
Not this time.

The streets, cold, dark, lonely
Anger, fear, hatred
Burning in the depths of my soul
No outlet
You threw me out you bastard
Because I would not bow down to your fucking ego
Because I had learnt to fight back
and you could not handle it
Some fucking man you are

The real hurt, the hurt I never thought
anyone could inflict upon another
came when you didn’t recognise your own son
that fateful day
he knocked upon the door he remembered so well
You should of just killed me there and then
Like a punch drunk pugilist
I doubt I shall ever recover from that one
I am unknown to my own father
How could you do that to me?
After all the crap that went before
How could you do it?

So goodbye
I am lost to you forever now
I am no longer
your son
You are certainly not
A father
for me to be proud of!

Posted for patrons of the pub over at dVerse where we are prompted to think back to a time before today and use a memory to base our offering around. Maybe you will join us and offer something of your own?


Ebb & Flow [The Bastard Man]

I think most of you who read my blog must by now be quite sure I have a screw or two loose or I am a few cookies short of a full packet? Well yes, I guess I am close to that sometimes.

I write about experiences and things that affect my life in some way or other, or something I relate easily to. Since 2008, I struggle to make it through some days. I am not sure exactly where the last 5 years went though, if that makes any sense at all?

I have found in my life, I have two personalities living in  one body. The real me, who cares, deeply, who loves, fiercely, I am passionate and romantic, I have principles and standards that I fight for and a small family I would die for. Then, there is Mr Bastard, the ‘other’ me. Some days, I wake up and for some reason or other, I am just in a bad mood. I have slept well, can’t remember dreaming about anything, but I am just angry at the world and everyone in it. I curse and swear at my long-suffering partner, I happily shout at the TV when someone says something I don’t like, or I treat their opinion with contempt. Sadly, I have the temperament of my dear father and I struggle to control it sometimes. The red mist comes out of nowhere and I am so so close to losing control. Thankfully, unlike my dear father, I have never stooped so low as to strike a woman, but man, have I been a gnats whisker away from doing just that. A few walls and doors have borne the brunt of my anger though.

I am pretty sure I am not alone in this. I would bet my bank balance that many others suffer the same, even though they may never admit it to anyone but themselves. So this is me, trying to convey the image of the one I call The Bastard Man, because sometimes, I am a complete and utter bastard to those I love and who love me. I feel guilty after the event and I always say sorry, eventually, but that will never make it right. Judge me if you want, I am used to it, but be assured, I am my own worst critic and no one can judge me any harder than I already judge myself.

Ebb & Flow [The Bastard Man]

The love spreads forth
as waves lap the beach
Tomorrow that love
maybe just out of reach
I enjoy today,
bask in its joy and its glory
I so wish tomorrow
would be the same story

The sun shines radiant
but theres no shining light
Just feelings of dread,
terror and fright
Hate lies below this facade
that appears so serene
Devouring my heart
like some rabid wolverine

Cheerful, smiling,
engaged in deep conversation
Building the bridges
of reconciliation
I love you, I adore you,
my embrace is your gaol
My arms shall protect you,
my love will prevail

Obscenities spew out
in a unbroken stream of bile
A look of fear replaces
that beautiful smile
Those bridges built
are now slowly burning
The bastard in me
is who you see returning

The duality of me
ebbs and flows like the tide
The bastard some days
will not be denied
He makes his appearance
whenever he prefers
I have no control of
when it occurs

The bastard in me
can spoil my tomorrows
Laughs in my face
as I drown  my sorrows
Today he cant touch me
for today is my castle
This morning it was me
who won the battle

A battle won
does not win me the war
Fighting some days
just seems a chore
I shall never lie down
or simply accept defeat
Each small victory
sees the bastard retreat

The bastard is here though
and here to stay
Neither of us can chase
the other away
Like brothers we exist
in this body as one
A simple fate
that cannot be undone

As always, the good folk over at dVerse have their Open Link Night, and we are week 78 already. So if you haven’t already, pop over to the pub, order a pint, pull up a stool and read some of the excellent work you will see offered there.