Tag Archives: Fear

Lost and Found


Life is a bitch sometimes and I mean a real BITCH!

I really thought that I was at the end of the tunnel. I could see the light, shining, guiding me away from that dreadful place I did not want to be in. I thought I had done what was required of me. I talked it over until I was sick of talking. I thought it over until I was sick of thinking. I went deeper than I have ever been and yet, somehow, I found a way back. But the voice is back, teasing me and taunting me, drawing me back into that fuckin tunnel and I do not wish to meet what lurks there, not again. Why does it feel like I have no fuckin choice, no conscious say in the matter, fuck, its my life.

I dream a dream. I am back in my shell, protected from harm and protected from doing harm. I dont NEED to exit this shell, I dont WANT to exit this shell, but I must if I am to survive. Thats what is left now, survival. I dont love, I dont hate, I just am, here, sliding back into the dark, one inch at a fuckin time, looking over my shoulder, pleading, begging not to go back there. This time, I might not come out. The flame extinguished, the spark is dead, the fight is over, the race is run and I dont think I have the energy left to run anymore. I am sick of running. The further I run, the closer to that place I get. Fear, real, palpable fear directs the show and I am just a bit part actor, making up the numbers, waiting until that day comes, which it must, sooner or later.

I do what I have always done. I spit my defiance and issue my challenge. You want me you fuckin son of a bitch, you come and get me, I am not on a plate for you.

Its like this every fuckin waking hour. 2/3 of me just wants to give up and let what will be, be. The other 1/3 still shouts and screams and will take on anyone or anything. That 1/3 used to 1/2, that 1/2 used to be 3/4, that 3/4 was a whole number. But the dark chips away, one bit at a time.

So I am there, staring into the void once again, looking for any straw to clutch at, any inspiration I can find. Living with this constantly is a drag and a real drain on energy.

I was lost in, a dream so deep,
No one was there, to help me sleep,
I was lost in, a dream so deep,
No one was there, to help me sleep.

I was lost to, the light of day,
No one was there, to show me the way,
I was lost to, the light of day,
No one was there, to show me the way.

Loneliness, was my only friend,
I could only see, a bitter end,
My life was done,
My life was done.

I was lost in, a lonely place
You were there, I saw your face,
I was lost in, a lonely place,
You were there, I saw your face.

I was cowed, on bended knees,
You reached out, to set me free,
I was cowed, on bended knees,
You reached out, to set me free.

From the pit, I slowly rise,
Leaving behind, the pitiful cries,
My life was done,
My life was done.

I was blind, now I can see,
You were there, to rescue me,
I was blind, now I can see,
You were there, to rescue me.

I was lost, but now I’m found,
My love for you, knows no bounds,
I was lost, but now I’m found,
My love for you, knows no bounds.

Out of despair, you gave me hope,
Every day, you help me to cope,
My life goes on,
My life goes on.

I try to move on, with my life,
Every day, only trouble and strife,
I try to move, with my life,
Every day, only trouble and strife.

I hear the voice, calling out to me,
Taking me back, where I dont want to be,
I hear the voice, calling out to me,
Taking me back, where I dont want to be.

The black is back, to carry me away,
Today I smell, deaths sickly bouquet,
My life is done,
My life is done.

Its been a long road,
My life is done,
Its been a long road,
My life is done.

The flame is gone,
My race is run,
The flame is gone,
My race is run.
My race is run,
My race is
My race
My
……..

Inspired by a song I heard for the first time yesterday.

Advertisements

This Frightened Man


What began as just the idea of one poem, has suddenly evolved into what could well be, a series about the side of myself I prefer others not to be privy to. We all have our own fears in life, some are true fears, some phobias and some are just plain idiocy to all others bar ourselves. Why would a person, 1000x the size of a spider, be afraid of such a small arachnid? Why would any sane person be afraid of a mouse?  These irrational emotions/feelings are hard to explain for any of us. I have found my own fears fall into this realm. How do I conquer these fears? How can I overcome the insurmountable?

I dont have the answers, man I wish I did. I am sick of living in fear. Fear that this will change, that will change, fear that the kid in the hoodie is trouble, fear that my own doubts will become too much to bear and I shall descend into some form of insanity. Fear that in a world of 6 billion people, I feel so alone. Fear that some dumb fuck with an itchy trigger finger will press that red button and I shall die a painful lingering death. Fear that my family will be hurt by anyone or anything. Fear that I dont meet the expectation of others. Fear that I shall leave myself open to ridicule. Fear that I wont be accepted by peers. Fear of submitting when I know I am right. Fear of saying no for a change. Fear that if I love someone too much, it will all go wrong. Fear that I wont make it through the day. Fear that this life is meaningless.

Anyway, first I  had This Ordinary Man, which is what I am, then I have This Frightened Man, which is also what I am. I dread [fear] what the next one might bring forth. But hopefully, finally recognizing myself, accepting what and who I am, might just lead to a more contented state of mind and a brighter future.

 

Look behind this flimsy facade,
Tell me, what do you see?
Do you see the fear in my eyes?
My spirit, drowning in misery.

How do I face such fear?
Is it easier to run and hide?
Who will walk with me hand in hand?
Who will be my guide?

Can you sense my terror?
As I fall into this chasm?
Is that you I see waiting for me?
Or just another phantasm?

How far down is it that I fall?
What is that terrible smell?
Is that brimstone and fire my own?
Is this my personal hell?

The wall I have built to surround me,
Noisily creaks and groans,
The struggle to hold back the deluge,
That will strip me back to bare bone.

Then the facade will be no more,
Am I back where all this began?
Look inside now and you will see,
The soul of this frightened man.

This does no say exactly what I want it to say, I have problems translating thoughts into words. For now, its about as close as I can get, so I shall leave it at that.

Submitted to dVerse Open Link Night. If you haven’t already, pop in and take a peek at some truly amazing poets and poems.


You Shall Know Me.


RESTRAIN

As I lie still, in the dead of night,
The dark is absolute, just that, more,
Or less,
The sound of my heart beating, is
Setting its own rhythm,
Playing its own beat, to a tune,
No longer heard,
My meditation is my own, mine,
To do with as I will,
Tonight, yes, tonight,
Let me free myself once again,
From,
The shackles of this prison of a carcass,
The restraint of this body, escape,
The chains of my mortality.

RELEASE

The clock ticks, passively, tick,
Tock, tick,
Time is nigh, am I deep enough?
Tock, tick,
Deeper, deeper, ever deeper,
To fly, I must delve,
Go deep, deeper, deeper,
Finally, release, delectable in its substance,
Delicious in its piquancy,
Freedom,
To fly, high, in clouds,
Of finest gossamer,
Melt into the stratosphere of stars,
Moon casting shadows across the plains,
Thermals pushing higher,
Geography rushes below, ever,
Increasing speed.

TRANSFORMATION

Floating on soft satin breezes,
Lighter than silk in essence,
Obscure images, flash before the event,
The future, the past,
Here and now, presently, yet not,
North by North East, destination anonymous,
South, to mountains beyond seas,
East, West, merge in parallel toward,
Heaven, Hell, further?
Resplendent, brilliant,
Metamorphosis, transcends time,
True liberation, forced,
Complete, precise,
Identity regained once again,
Coherent of character,
Semblance of affinity within,
Repeatedly whole once again.

ILLUSTRATION

Picture in the minds glorious eye,
Images, mirrors of, my,
Hideous, repulsive reflection,
Portrait of silent perfection,
Sculptured, chiseled features,
Abhorrent, execrable creature,
Loathsome, debauched, corruption,
Sensual beauty, of handsome eruption,
Ghoulish, deformed apparition,
Exquisit, refined, graceful cognition,
Baleful, malignant hallucination,
Seductive, inviting aberration,
Perversion of body, distortion of personality,
Exalted, inhabitant of immorality.

DESTRUCTION

Wanton in effort,
From within, hatred boils forth,
Expressed, despair riegns,
Hopeless,
Unrelenting,
Incessant,
Fear, would steal the heart,
Fear, crippled minds,
Fear, blinds sightless eyes,
Fear, beguiler of souls,
Fathom the depths of fear,
Fraternize, befriend,
Comprehend, appreciate,
Fear, animated, palpable,
Fear I,
Fear my coming,
Fear my arrival,
Bedlam, Chaos, my only,
Brothers, Brethren,
Lay this earth to waste.

JUDGEMENT

For I am Fear,
Born of,
Creation itself,
Prelude of genesis,
Forefather,
Precursor,
Harbinger of the fates,
To my only sons,
Jehovah, Beelzebub,
This devine kingdom,
King of Kings,
For I am fear,
You shall know me,
Quake before my name,
Judge me not, for,
I am fear, no man,
Nor beast,
Shall defeat my cause,
Answer,
I?
To whom?
I am fear, and,
You shall know me.

http://onestoppoetry.com/2011/04/one-shot-poetry-wednesday-week-43.html

This was my first submission to One Stop Wednesday.