Tag Archives: hate

Ebb & Flow [The Bastard Man]


I think most of you who read my blog must by now be quite sure I have a screw or two loose or I am a few cookies short of a full packet? Well yes, I guess I am close to that sometimes.

I write about experiences and things that affect my life in some way or other, or something I relate easily to. Since 2008, I struggle to make it through some days. I am not sure exactly where the last 5 years went though, if that makes any sense at all?

I have found in my life, I have two personalities living in  one body. The real me, who cares, deeply, who loves, fiercely, I am passionate and romantic, I have principles and standards that I fight for and a small family I would die for. Then, there is Mr Bastard, the ‘other’ me. Some days, I wake up and for some reason or other, I am just in a bad mood. I have slept well, can’t remember dreaming about anything, but I am just angry at the world and everyone in it. I curse and swear at my long-suffering partner, I happily shout at the TV when someone says something I don’t like, or I treat their opinion with contempt. Sadly, I have the temperament of my dear father and I struggle to control it sometimes. The red mist comes out of nowhere and I am so so close to losing control. Thankfully, unlike my dear father, I have never stooped so low as to strike a woman, but man, have I been a gnats whisker away from doing just that. A few walls and doors have borne the brunt of my anger though.

I am pretty sure I am not alone in this. I would bet my bank balance that many others suffer the same, even though they may never admit it to anyone but themselves. So this is me, trying to convey the image of the one I call The Bastard Man, because sometimes, I am a complete and utter bastard to those I love and who love me. I feel guilty after the event and I always say sorry, eventually, but that will never make it right. Judge me if you want, I am used to it, but be assured, I am my own worst critic and no one can judge me any harder than I already judge myself.

Ebb & Flow [The Bastard Man]

The love spreads forth
as waves lap the beach
Tomorrow that love
maybe just out of reach
I enjoy today,
bask in its joy and its glory
I so wish tomorrow
would be the same story

The sun shines radiant
but theres no shining light
Just feelings of dread,
terror and fright
Hate lies below this facade
that appears so serene
Devouring my heart
like some rabid wolverine

Cheerful, smiling,
engaged in deep conversation
Building the bridges
of reconciliation
I love you, I adore you,
my embrace is your gaol
My arms shall protect you,
my love will prevail

Obscenities spew out
in a unbroken stream of bile
A look of fear replaces
that beautiful smile
Those bridges built
are now slowly burning
The bastard in me
is who you see returning

The duality of me
ebbs and flows like the tide
The bastard some days
will not be denied
He makes his appearance
whenever he prefers
I have no control of
when it occurs

The bastard in me
can spoil my tomorrows
Laughs in my face
as I drown  my sorrows
Today he cant touch me
for today is my castle
This morning it was me
who won the battle

A battle won
does not win me the war
Fighting some days
just seems a chore
I shall never lie down
or simply accept defeat
Each small victory
sees the bastard retreat

The bastard is here though
and here to stay
Neither of us can chase
the other away
Like brothers we exist
in this body as one
A simple fate
that cannot be undone

As always, the good folk over at dVerse have their Open Link Night, and we are week 78 already. So if you haven’t already, pop over to the pub, order a pint, pull up a stool and read some of the excellent work you will see offered there.

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Obsession


I know, I understand, I have a very addictive nature. I become so absorbed in whatever it is that is my current obsession, everything and everyone have little meaning. Maybe my star sign is having an influence on what I am, maybe my family genetics dictate that I am this way, maybe I am just slightly crazy? Who knows? I think I have just about learnt to live with these things, never expecting them to become a reality, just taking them for what they are, a dream, wishful thinking or whatever label we want to put on it. But, no matter what I try, I cannot prevent them from becoming what they become, whatever ‘they’  we are talking about. These dalliances with differing obsessions are now somewhat tiresome. I wish they would stop, but they don’t, they just keep popping up. So I thought, what the hell, lets write about my latest ‘obsession’ it appears to be a pretty decent prompt/muse type thingamabobs.

My latest obsession has been growing to what it is for some time now. I know that much about myself to see what is happening, when, where and how and about what. That doesn’t give me any higher level of control, I just know about it and let it take its course and hopefully come out the other end no worse for the experience.

I doubt/hope, this latest object of my obsessive behaviour will ever be aware of my feelings and longings. My hope is, that by next week, something else has come along that takes my fancy. I think being obsessive about a game, a book or film is fine. When that obsession  turns towards a person, maybe that ain’t quite so healthy? I am not some mad axe murderer or internet stalker, although some may find that hard to believe 😉 just a man who has some weird ideas sometimes and some dreams and fantasies that are pretty harmless.

So anyway, without further digressions, read on

I see that enigmatic smile,
That angelic face, beaming,
A look so radiant,
I cannot, will not, help myself, as
I dive into those eyes, that
See me, yet disbelieve what they
See.

I long each day, for
Just one touch, one
Touch, filled with the electricity, of
A thousand storms, yet,
I am to be disappointed, the
Yearning continues again, and
Again

You know not of what I speak, you
Are oblivious, to
My desires, my
Silent screams, the
Longing to hold you, in
My arms, just
Once.

The words upon the page, are
Mirrors of your mood, captured
In the blink of an eye, to
Be preserved, for
Eternity and beyond, the
Click of the lense, will not
Lie.

From afar I watch, day
Pass into night, yet,
You are close enough to touch, your
Breath, soft as silk, glides
Across this weary stare, glazed
By your beauty, that
Smile.

My world will end, expire
Never knowing what it is, to
Kiss those tender lips, taste
All that is you, feel
The touch of your fingers, or
Your arms holding me,
Close.

 

This is my obsession, you
Are my obsession,
Fear me not, for I
Could not hurt you, nor
Hate you, I
Only want, to
Love You.