Tag Archives: Long

Whats on tv tonight? Shite is what, as per usual.

First things first.

My heart goes out to those who are suffering because of the earthquake and tsunami that have hit Japan today. My thoughts are with you and my hopes are yours.

Its been a busy [ish] day. We were late up, well, when I say late, I mean 9am, that’s late for my partner who is usually up around 6am for work. So taking a couple of extra hours in bed is a luxury to her. She still was up and about before me and bought me a cuppa in bed as she normally does. I hate that she has a day of work and she still gets up and makes me a cup of tea. Maybe next time I can beat her to it.

Job of the day for me was to sort out a stack of documents that have been multiplying in my drawer. I have put it off for long enough. So I set about the task and its amazing what one can dispose of. It’s all paperwork, some useful, some compulsory and some utter rubbish. Most things occupy large envelopes and that helps. I write on each envelope what its contents are, but they still end up a mess as more and more documents come through the post.

It took me the best part of 90 minutes to get it all sorted out and I am left with half a rain forest that needs to be shredded as they are personal stuff from banks, doctors and hospitals. A real identity cloners dream if it’s just binned. I have a cross shredder and its well used. I am maybe paranoid about ID theft and do all I can to prevent giving these fuckers a head start. Anyway, I got it all sorted and put away in relative files and envelopes and the drawer looks much tidier, is much lighter and I can find things again. I even came across a tax rebate to the tune of £185 that I had filed in there and forgotten about. How do you forget about a cheque for £185 I hear you ask? Well if you knew me, then you wouldn’t bother asking the question. Part of my ongoing condition is short term memory loss. I ask my partner if she would like a drink. I go to the kitchen and by the time I get there, I have forgotten the reason why. It’s a friggen nightmare! I can remember something from 10 yrs ago, but can’t remember something from 10 minutes ago.

Once that was all done and dusted, it was coffee time. Latte’s all round in tall glasses, delicious. We drank them and were talking about the usual BS that we do and time was drifting by. A phone call and the mother in law was on her way to pay a visit. Always welcome here, we get on great. She is not my real mother in law, I am not married, never have been, but it’s just easier to say it that way. She had bought with her a new scarf and bobble hat that a friend knit for the little one. Lovely pastel colours and I am sure she will love them. A roll of bin liners that are too big for her bin, we seem to go through them like anything, so again, always useful. After some chat, she left and we decided to go out and look at some curtains and fabrics at a newish shop near us. The sitting room was decorated last year, but can we find curtains to finish it off? can we heckers like. There were some promising fabrics all in decent colours and a pair of curtains that are somewhere near close to what we are looking for. £125 a metre is a bit steep though, so I think we will pass on those. But we could get a compromise at £25 a metre. That’s promising. I shall contact them again tomorrow with some measurements and get a price from them and then we can think about it.

We walked home the “long” way, which is good exercise for us both, even though I am so slow. Any exercise is better than none. By the time we got back, it was time to start thinking about some food. I do most of the cooking around here, so we soon had our menu sorted and the oven on. A quick tidy up and we were about ready. A glass of wine to wash it down with and all is good in the world.

We watched a bit of tv, but its all soap operas and I hate them. I tolerated them until dessert, then it was time to log on for the first today. I knew nothing of events in Japan, so reading about that was harrowing to say the least. I have seen some pictures and read about the unfolding of events. I was dumbstruck by it all and still am. Not been 5 minutes since New Zealand was hit. Why do these things always seem to occur just after a new year?

So that’s about my day so far. I have a poker game in 40 mins. A good crowd play on a friday and we have a laugh. We all belong to the same poker forum, who shall remain nameless because of differences of opinion of late. I hope the kiddy fiddler who sometimes shows up is not there, I find it hard to ignore the bastard. If he is there, he is going to get some stick  from me, no worries. After that there is a buy in game at 11pm, or I might just go and play some more DoN games. My partner has work tomorrow, so it’s another early  start for her. She wont be late away to bed, but I will still be up and about until 1-1.30am, then time for bed for me as well. The tv is shite tonight, not even a decent film [movie] on anywhere, so poker will have to suffice.

Until tomorrow, this is uncle Tino saying toodle pip.



Crunch, Punch and a very long Lunch!

Here we go again. Only this time, hopefully things wont swerve towards a rant like it did yesterday.

I had an interesting meeting this am with my head doc and really let rip and got a lot of frustration out and felt instantly better. But, this is what my sessions with her are becoming and that is not the reason for seeing her. I think we are nearing wrap up time and me attempting life on my own two feet again. Compared to this time last year, this is a huge step forward. Its something I need to try for my own sanity and its something that got pointed out to me today. Many of the answers I know myself, inside. The apathy has to go, the reasons for not doing what needs to be done have to stop. The goals I have set myself for this year need to be met.

Now the funny thing is. I recently was going through some of the mountains of poker info I have now and came across an article called Putting it All Together. Its about what the title says, taking all of the relevant information and putting it altogether to make the foundations of a poker strategy and playing style. Today, I was given a short exert from a book that was about taking the 3 phases I have come through and putting it all together. When I got home and sat and read it properly, it was like someone switiched me on. It dawned on me that I had more knowledge in me than I realised and I need to pull it all together and make it work for me and not against me.

I know what causes me problems and I know I now have ways of dealing with those things. It was there all the time, I just needed reminding again. I know and am now accepting that my condition is possibly for life now and I have to build a life that recognises that fact and takes into account what I do daily to get through the goals I have set. I am brave, I am strong and on those days that I doubt that, all I have to do is open the right drawer in my mind and I know how to deal with it. Its a little like a eurika moment. Certain pieces have fallen into place and I can see how and where they fit. Its never going to be easy. I am going to have good days and bad days. I will relapse into places I have been before, but this time, I have some tools to use to dig myself out again. This condition will prevent me somedays from doing what I know I can do, but it wont be every day. I have to treat each day on its own merits and get through the bad ones, somehow. But when the good ones arrive, I need to take maximum benefit from them. That will help my self esteem and confidence. I will learn again that I am worthy of love and I have something to offer. That might be insignificant to others, but me its of huge significance. I need to rely on myself again and rely on those around me want the best for me. Thats been so hard to do this last year. I felt the world and his wife was against me, but thats BS. Its a contorted view of things and I know that now.

As for the rest of the crap that surrounds me, I will deal with it as I go. I shall tackle the injustice of my condition and climb above it instead of allowing it to drag me down into that bottomless pit. I can marry what I know to what I feel and make it work for me and not against me. I am learning to like myself again and that folks, is just massive, totally massive and will and is boosting me to another level. I have to maintain that whenever possible. i need to recognise the signs and act before its too late, I know I have what I need to do that now. I am on my way to a better place. It wont be ideal, but what is? But it will be so much better than it has been for so long. Finally I am climbing out of that abyss and starting to see the sun again. I am going to get out of life whatever I can, to hell withthe condition, why let that rule my whole life and possibly ruin it? Thats folly. I know I can do this. I am going to need support along the way, for sure. Friends and family are going to be more important than ever. The doom merchants and those who look to bring me down wont have a place in my life anymore, not if I can help it.

So all in all, its been a good day today and the beginning of something very positive.

I need to say a huge thankyou to some of those people who have continued to have some sort of faith in me and have more faith in myself. The people who have helped me overcome the bad times and helped me and encouraged me to where I am at now. I have no idea where I would have been without that, I really dont want to dwell on it either. I have to stop overthinking things and go back to making life simple. It wont be easy doing that, but its more than possible to do. If I can get some routines in place, the amount of time I have to think will be reduced and that will be a good thing, trust me.

So to the ones who have some idea of who I am, I owe a debt of gratitude. To those who have read my words and my rants and have made suitable comments, I owe you much, you have helped get me here, now, today.

Tomorrow the sun will rise and it will be another day. I have goals for tomorrow, I hope I can meet them to prove to myself that I can do it. Have faith in me again, I know I can do this, tomorrow, the next day and the day after that. Progress maybe slow, a few backwards steps may be taken along the road, but this time I am not giving up, thats way to fucking easy and I dont do easy, I never did. The challenge is there, the gauntlet is down and I have to rise to that challenge and take up that gauntlet and move forwards as often as I can. The days when I cant, I need to be logical and not beat myself up over it. Start again and set the goals for the next day. To do that I need to take 30 mins a day to focus on what my goals will be for the following day. Thats not so tough is it? The goals maybe to just make it through the day with no mishaps, no falls, no arguments and be able to set more goals. To do that is something new to me, but its what I need. My head doc showed me the way, it was friggen subtle, I did not see it until I got home, but tomorrow really is the beginning of the rest of my life. If I never drive again, so fuckin what. I can get the train, the bus, walk, but I dont need to stay home mourning the fact I cant drive again. If I never get rid of these damned sticks, so be it, I will use them for as long as I have to. I will ride the jokes and the funny looks and just repeat inside my head, fuck you! Thats the rebel coming back, thats the old me surfacing again and that feels so good, I cant tell you how good though, there are no words to express it.

I want to shout out tothe world,
“Watch out, I am back” but I am saying to myself and will continue to do so.

Its been the toughest 14-16 months of my life, but I have come through it, mainly intact and still resonably sane. All the crap of the last couple of months is not going to bother me anymore. Its been so negative and I have allowed that to rule my days. Not anymore! This time, I am going to try and approach life with my old zest and whatever I can do, I am going to enjoy it and hope those that share it enjoy it too. Fuck poker forums and the drama and the bitching, I dont need it anymore. To hell with internet drama, it has ruled my life for way too long. To hell with those foolish people who insist they know whats best for everyone, take it somewhere else, I dont need your input.

This is like a drug and I want more of it.

The break away with my small family showed me I can tollerate [not enjoy, but tollerate] some of the things I was fearful of. Its still out of my comfort zone and probably always will be, but I know I can face that fear and do it anyway. The fear wont constantly rule my life anymore.

So, tomorrow, what are my goals?

First and foremost I need to contact my employment advisor and get that moving again. I need to collect all the documentation I have received from my head doc and read it all through again and make sure that I am using the information I have in the right ways. Then set goals for the next day. That might not seem much to some, but to me, its a start. I would be foolish to exhaust myself and have to be sensible and pace myself. If I overdo things, I know what the outcome is, so dont do it! If I meet the goals consistently, then and only then can I think about pushing that bit more. But it has to be done in a way that wont overstetch me. Tiredness leads down long, empty corridors that I dont need to venture down.

So if nothing else, wish me luck and I hope the next blog I write is in the same vein as this one.

Tatty Bye