Tag Archives: Newcastle

The Devil Went Down to Gateshead [A Parody]


The Devil went down to Gateshead
In a search of a pint of Brown
He hadn’t secured a deal in days
And thus he was feeling down

He walked into the Blue Azure
Asked the barman for a bottle of ‘dog’
The barman slowly shook his head
And replied “We only serve this grog”

Well the Devil he became mighty pissed
He started to rant and rave
He told the barman “Your soul is mine
As soon as you reach your grave”

The barman said ” Devil let me tell you what
You can have my soul today
But only if you drink ten pints of Scotch
If you decline, then be on your way”

Well the Devil thought it over
And he said ‘I’ll take your bet
I can drink any mortal under the table
This is one you’re gonna regret”

The barman slowly stood them up
The devil began the show
He supped the first in one long gulp
Only nine more pints to go

The second one was nectar
“I like this brew” the Devil said
He downed the third with a grusome grin
Feeling slightly fuggy inside his head

The barman, he had seen it
So many times before
Supping three was nothing
But wait until number four

The Devil looked slightly shaky
As he started number four
The rumbling in his belly grew
The barman knew the score

Before he started number five
The Devil knew that he’d been beat
His belly grumbled mightily loud
As he staggered to his feet.

The barman said, “The bogs that way
Turn left and then turn right”
The Devil was in a hurry
He desperately had to shite

The barman said, ” The drinks are on me”
The drinkers raced over to the bar
Not one asked for a pint of Scotch
They all knew what the results are
The Devil he was still crapping
Until the bar closed that fateful day
The barman shouted “Devil man
Time you were on your way”

The Devil bowed his head in shame
Because he knew that he’d been had
He took a rueful look at the barman
How had he been conned so bad

The barman shouted, “Devil man
Come on back if you ever want to try agin
I told you once you son of a bitch
Scotch is the worst beer theres ever bin.

The barman said, ” The drinks are on me”
The drinkers raced over to the bar
Not one asked for a pint of Scotch
They all knew what the results are
The Devil he was still crapping
Until the bar closed that fateful day
The barman shouted “Devil man
Time you were on your way”

Brown is Brown Ale, something Newcastle is very famous for.
Dog is another local name for Brown Ale.

Scotch is a local beer that many believe has the best laxative properites known to mankind.

Bog is another name for toilet in some areas of the UK.

There is/was a bar in Gateshead called something very close to the one mentioned.

Gateshead is over the Tyne Bridge from Newcastle to the south.

And this how it should sound,

This should be posted over at the dVerse, where you will find many a poet posting their work for us all to browse and comment on if we so wish. Please feel free to offer any comment you like on anything I do. If you think its crap, please say so and why, I really dont mind. From being told something is crap, I learn to do better next time. If you enjoy or like what I offer, I am always grateful to read why.

Toodle Pip

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Bathed in History


I sometimes like to offer up a piece thats built around the area of the UK I live in. I am fortunate to live on the edge of a very vibrant city, surrounded by history and a hop, skip and jump from the glorious coastline. Scotland is only 50 odd miles north and The Lake District about the same to the west.

So here is something that just outlines some of the features of the place. There are more, but I could go on forever.

This is posted for Poets United, The Thursday Think Tank.

Newcastle, home of the Toon Army,
Not the centurians of days long passed,
When the wall was built,
Remnants remain as attractions,
For tourists who thirst for history.

The tour bus stops en route,
See the city sights as you go,
The only shrine you shall find,
Is the one on the hill,
The one they call St James.

Museums, galleries, resturants and bars,
The Mecca of the north,
The bridge, stolen by Sydney,
Plays host to a hundred thousand feet each year,
The great run down to Sheilds.

See the Princess in all her glory,
Berthed along the quay,
The Sage, The Baltic, vie for space
With the courts of law,
New play alongside the old.

Metro, take the line to anywhere,
See a Spaniard by the coast,
See Wallsend, or should that be Wallstart?
Only a Roman could answer such questions,
Maybe Hadrian would know?

Chinatown with the great Pagoda,
Morsels of delightful orient offerings,
Tapas if the mood takes,
The Bigg Market for the brave,
Or foolhardy?

Brown Ale for the descerning palate,
Brewed now down the old Fed,
The Staiths for the delivery of coal,
To great vessels of the seas,
Bound for nowhere now.

Find the Keep of Oldcastle,
Somehow now called New?
A Cathedral aside forth banks,
Universities of learning and study,
Students in heaven made bliss.

As some readers will struggle to comprehend some of this, I offer a little extra guidance to help in that dept.

Toon Army: Supporters of the local football [soccer] team

There was a large Roman base here and they were responsible for keeping out the Picts from the North. This was helped by the great wall that the Emperor Hadrian had built from the banks of the Tyne river in the east, to the Solway of Firth to the west.

The shrine referred to is St James Park, the Home of Newcastle United Football Club. Football [soccer] is a religion in these parts. 52,000 people attend each game in all weathers.

The Bridge over the River Tyne was the blueprint for the Sydney Harbour Bridge in Australia. Each year, 50,000 runners cross the bridge . The Great North Run is the biggest half marathon in the world. It starts by the Town Moor and finishes by the coast at South Shields.

The Tuxedo Princess is an old ferry that is now a nightclub on the Gateshead side of the Quayside. The Sage is a new multi purpose building for the arts. The Baltic is an old flour mill now a gallery. The Law Courts are a new building facing across the river to the Sage and Baltic, joined by the Millenium Bridge [The Blinking Eye].

We have had a metro system here [subway] for a long time. You can take a train to the coast to see the old Spanish City which is a protected landmark. Its huge white dome used to house the entrance to the amusement park. Wallsend is where Hadrians Wall ends, or begins, depending on your point of view.

We have a great Chinese community here, lots of Chinese restaurants and the entrance to Stowell Street is now under the fabulous new pagoda funded by the local council. We also now have our fair share of  Tapas bars, serving Spanish fare. The Bigg Market is the notorious area for nightlife come the weekends. There are more bars there per square yard than anywhere else in the UK. There would always be a brawl down there at chucking out time, but since the advent of 24 hour opening, that seems to have stopped. Visit at your own discretion!

Brown Ale [the dog] was brewed at Newcastle Brewery in the city. That has now closed and the world  famous Newky Brown is now brewed at the old federation brewery in Gateshead. Criminal if you ask me. The Staithes at Dunston are a protected structure. Coal from the mines in the area would travel down to the Staithes to load the barges that delivered coal around the world. Hence the saying, Like Coals To Newcastle. Sadly, all coal mines are now gone, but Dunston Staithes serve as a reminder of our heritage here.

The old castle has long since gone, but the keep still remains in good condition. Newcastle means just that. Maybe it should be called Oldcastle nowadays? We have a very old Cathedral and two Universities, so have a very large student population.

These are just some of the highlights of Newcastle upon Tyne. I hope you enjoyed reading and who knows, maybe one day you might even pay us a visit.


Howay me Lads


Todays prompt over at One Stop Poetry is all about love, lurve, luv.  Feel the love [un-love] as spring is in the air. Well, I am going to do a take on love, but maybe just twist it slightly and bend it here and there.

I was born in the Midlands and moved north some 25 yrs ago to where I am now. Newcastle is a vibrant city, party capital of the north and a great place to be. Peace and quiet is never far away. The Cheviot Hills are less than 30 mins away, The Pennines about the same and The Lake District is little more than an hour away. There are beautiful beaches that just never get busy and Scotland is less than a hours drive. Northumberland is a canny place to live.

So as today is Fun Friday [the weekend starts here] I am going to try to have a little fun and do my take on love at the same time.

The Geordie Nation’s Own Anthem.

Whenever I am away from the place, it’s always good to see the aad Tyne Bridge again, it means I am yem again.

There’s going to be words popping up all over the place that you just wont recognise and maybe not even understand. Thats ok, I have had 25 yrs to get used to it and even now there’s some that gets by me. So just for your own enjoyment, lets throw in the Geordie Dictionary [yes, we have our own] and you can pick through it to try to find some words like yem [home].

http://www.englandsnortheast.co.uk/GeordieDictionary.html

Obviously, you hear the term Geordie and I can hear many of you think, WTF is a Geordie? This might help,

http://www.bobjude.co.uk/photo/newc/who.htm

http://www.newcastle-online.org/geordies.shtml

Geordies are a proud people, used to adversity and poverty and generally 2 years behind everywhere else.  Osama  became president of the United Sates? Oh, Obama, who’s he? Seriously, it gets like that sometimes up here.

Just to round things off nicely, to celebrate my love for this area, my love of most things Geordie and this being my 100th blog, here’s another attempt at a Octain, but done Geordie style.

Ahm damn happy Ah live nigh tha Toon,
Party capital o’ tha North they say,
Ah miss it when Ah am away.

Good savaloys aaways slide doon,
A swim in the Tyne, is aaways just fine,
Chased wi a bottle o’ broon.

Fa’ Geordies lets hip hip hooray,
Ahm so damn happy Ah live nigh the Toon.

Submitted to Welcome to Friday Poetically!


Newcastle Brown Ale, The One and Only!


Pull up a chair,
Pour yourself a drink,
Make yourself comfortable,
Give me a minute, let me think,
It’s a long story,
Complicated, but true,
About a relationship,
Between me and you
It began at age fourteen,
I signed and you beckoned,
I can still taste it now,
And drink more than I reckoned,
My old man brewed it at home,
It was always on tap,
I drank Brown Ale,
His bitter was crap,
Kimberley Nut Brown,
Was the name of the brew,
Another pint please Landlord,
Ready as ever, always on cue,
One after the other,
And then one for the road,
No lock in tonight?
In this humble abode,
1am,2am, later for some,
Time for a chaser, better make that two,
Too much for part timers,
That was my point of view,
Each night was the same,
Drink plenty, them some,
Off home to bed,
To sleep I’d succumb,
Up North they call it Newcastle Brown Ale,
The best pint in the land they assumed,
I can testify to this claim,
By the amount I readily consumed,
So began our love affair,
I would take hold of you every night,
You always tickled my taste buds,
My palate was yours to excite,
But sadly, or so I am informed,
All good things must come to an end,
So in the foreseeable future,
When we meet it will be as good friends.

Just a little ditty about my former battles with The Dog. My favourite tipple is brown ale, commonly known in the North East as The Dog. I have a love for this drink, that also has a love of me. I seldom drink it anymore, for it does tend to make me do stupid things in any kind of quantity. Now I just have the occasional bottle and leave it at that. More would signal disaster, and I have learnt my lesson on that one. Still Love the stuff  though.

A couple of pointers,

1;  A lock in is drinking in a pub after official closing times. Thankfully, in the UK, that no longer applies.

2; Home Brew is literally that, Beer  that you brew at home. It all comes in a little kit. Just mix up the contents, add sugar and leave for anything from a day to a month before it is fit for consumption. Some brews are very strong.

3; Sadly, since Newcastle Breweries were bought by another company, Newcastle Brown Ale is no longer brewed in Newcastle.

4; A chaser is a drink to accompany a pint. We are served pints in the UK, a chaser is a small whiskey or its like to drink alongside a pint.

5; Kimberley Nut Brown is no longer made by the Kimberley Brewery as the Brewery itself no longer exists. My local pub when I was in my teens, stocked a crate of Kimberley Nut Brown a month, before I came along, lol, then it went up to 3×15 bottle crates a week.

6; Landlord is the owner or tenant of a public house [pub] in the UK.

7; I signed on for a local football team [soccer to the heathens] whose HQ was the Durham Ox pub. When I arrived to sign, the team manager asked me if I wanted a drink and he bought me my very first pint of Kimberley Nut Brown. So he is to blame!

8; The Blaydon Races is a very famous song about a yearly event in the North East of England. It is regularly sung at Newcastle United football matches. It would take far to long to explain the whole song here, maybe thats for another time. Hopefully you get the gyst of it though. The local dialect and some words might be difficult to understand.