I have been fortunate recently. The last couple of months have picked up considerably and I have written a great deal and done a lot of poems. I enjoy writing and also trying to compose a decent poem. It’s a release of sorts and has been for some time now. Sadly, that creative streak seems to have come to an end. The last few days I have been trying to find some inspiration to try to write another poem, but the lake has gone dry it would seem. I tend to go in cycles like this. It’s akin to being on a rollercoaster, lots of us and downs, peaks and troughs but very little consistency there. To be honest, more with myself than anyone else, I am tired of it now. I have lived a lot of years where there have been so many ups and downs, like poker, but I need to find some consistency somehow to attempt to get some balance in my life. I am a typical Libran [if you believe in that kind of thing, I do, but only to a point, there are obvious traits present, but it ends there] I like balance and harmony and I haven’t had much of it throughout my 46 years. I don’t know how to change things, maybe that will happen by itself when I am good and ready for it to happen? I add a question mark as this is me asking and enquiring of myself in my head and getting it down on paper so to speak, helps me to make some sense of it all. I have applied for a couple of voluntary positions this last few days and really hope I get something from it. I feel that I have been laying a good foundation lately and now its time to begin building on that if possible. Yes, anything is possible, but not with some of the hurdles I face daily.
One thing that I am sure, almost 100% certain of, that has helped me greatly since the turn of the year is that I am spending less and less time in my favourite poker community, Pokerspace. I was there constantly, writing blogs, posting threads and comments and being very active. After a severe disagreement with the admin of that site, I have withdrawn from it slowly and spent less and less time there. That place became my sounding board, now this place has proved to be a sufficient substitute. Theres one person who reads most of my posts, who I am grateful to, more than they know, plus one person who has helped me more than anyone has and helped me haul my fat arse through some dark days. The funny [in a strange way, not laughable] thing is, both these people reside at Pokerspace but don’t like each other. I love them both, for different reasons, they both bring something different to my existence that is palpable, I can almost feel it, its real and its appreciated greatly. I am overall a giver, generous to the point of stupidity at times, but these two people have given more than I could ever hope to receive. They have both supported me, in their own unique way and that has been priceless. Theres also a fella at Pokerspace who I have become good friends with. He has had a tough year, but has still found time to talk to me and listen to me whine and moan about anything and everything. We see life in a similar way most of the time, that helps. We probably talk most days now, have a laugh when we can and bemoan poker suckouts and beats. It’s an unseen support. He is developing into a very very good poker player, but even he has suffered from variance and I guess we both just try to tell each other that we are decent players, most of the time. He has the consistency though, I am too impulsive sometimes and that’s my downfall. But between them, these 3 people have helped me in so many ways and at so many times, its amazing to think about it really. Yet, where the fuck are my “real life” friends when I needed them? Apart from one mate, they all just upped and left me to cope by myself. Do friends do that? I didn’t think they did, but then, as often, I could be wrong. So two people from the USA and one from Wales, who I have never met, have all helped and supported me more than some people I have known for 15 years or more. How sick is that really? But that’s enough about that, they know who they are and hopefully they know what they mean to me. I doubt I will ever be able to thank them enough, but its time to stop polishing their ego’s now, lol, before they run away with themselves.
A good thing that’s all a result of those few who have stood by me, I laugh and smile more now than I have in three years. Some days my face aches from laughing and smiling too much. What a change that is. OK, not all days are great and some days are a bloody nightmare, but, the fact that I can still smile and laugh, is a massive leap forward from where I was. I am not ready to take on the world again just yet, but, if things work out well this year, I might just be wanting to give it a shot at some point. I am still fragile in the old head dept, but not AS fragile as 12 months ago, so we have been doing something right along the way. I say we only because without friends and family, I doubt I would still be on this mortal coil. That’s not dramatic, it’s the damned truth. But that’s enough about that, the tone is changing to morbid here, I see it, and now I can change it. That’s a tool I didn’t have, once I went morbid, I stayed there for days, weeks even. But now I do have what I need to overcome things I and you face in our everyday lives. And that folks, is how it should be and how I want it to be. I just try to cut the negative crap now and try to be hopeful and optimistic, when I can, which is more often, so all is good in the world right now.
Another thing that has helped me through the last 3 years is music. Jeez, I love my music, always have done. I was devastated in 88 when I left all my worldly possessions with a so-called mate while I went to Canada. I was gone for 8 months admittedly, but that was no reason to give the whole lot to a charity shop, stupid bastard! My vinyl record collection, given away, that was almost like cutting my gnads [balls, testicles] off. I had a very good collection of vinyl LPS and tapes. So again, I turned to music to help me through. Music feeds my soul and makes me feel better. If I am down in the dumps, I try to listen to some music and chill out and just go with the beat. I used to be in a band, long ago and love has always stayed with me. I never realised just how important music was to me, until I hit rock bottom. A good tune, something that I know and can sing along to always makes me forget and I just get absorbed in it. I can lose myself in a playlist. Just close my eyes and I could be anyone and anywhere. I just seem to have an out-of-body experience when I get into music like that. At first, it was a bit frightening, but once you get used to it, it’s a helluva buzz. Maybe its like a form of meditation? But once I hear a good song playing, it’s usually a good idea not to bother speaking to me until its finished, lol. Long live music, long live rock n roll and may the music never die.
I am not sure what I was going to write when I started this post today, I guess it just took care of itself and its gone along anyway it chose to really. Theres no real direction to it, just thoughts tumbling out onto the page as usual, one day I might learn to be coherent, until then, I just let my mind wander and see what comes out. I do apologise for that. I frequently digress and shoot off at tangents, much like I do in life I guess. So it might be a good idea to wrap this one up and go and find something worthwhile to do? Like what? I did all my chores earlier [not that I have many, but I like to help where I can] The only thing left for me to do is cook some dinner later on. Anyway, that’s enough for one afternoon, more tomorrow I would imagine.
Tatty Bye for now.