Tag Archives: tinkerbell

With or Without You

Sometimes, because I love music so much, I build something around songs. My last piece, which Brian Miller picked up on, was written around a Metallica song, Enter Sandman. I ‘borrowed’ a line or two, but that was all.

I met my partner at a NewYears Eve party in 87/88. We lived next door to each other and I often saw her and her little lad coming and going. The party was at a mutual friends place and that’s where we kissed for the first time. It seems like only yesterday. Not long after, a cousin of mine came over from Canada to visit. It was the first time I met her and we got on very well. Before she left she invited me over to Canada to stay with her and her husband. What a oppurtunity that was. I could not say no. I hoped my partner and her son might come with me, but alas, it was not to be. But 3 weeks turned into 9 months, it was hard to leave. If I have any regrets in life, leaving Canada is one of them. But, if I had not come home, we wouldn’t have Tinkerbell, so every cloud has a silver lining.

U2 released the album The Joshua Tree in March 1987. I had seen them twice and fell in love with the album immediately. It’s still in my favourite top 5 albums, always will be. But the song With or Without You became ‘our ‘ song. When it was good, it was orgasmic, when it was bad, it was a car crash. Thats how it was. So the song took on a literal meaning for us both. Living with each other since ’91 has been impossible, living without each other would also be impossible. I know that because we did have a trial separation at one point, but it was not what either of us wanted.

So this is a kind of narrative of our relationship, from beginning to now. Due to unforseen circumstances and a complete change in our lives, I have no idea how it will go from here, we shall just have to see and hope things get better at some point. Thankfully, Tinkerbell [our granddaughter] is a constant source of inspiration. My partner was told, many many years ago that she would become close to a little girl and she certainly has.

‘Twas New Year of 87/88
the party season was drawing towards its end
just one last night on the lash
before it started all over again
same shit, different year
nothing changes
but even then I knew
I could not live
with or without you

Why did I have to be there that night?
Why did you have to be there?
it was just a party
and at parties, things happen
some we regret, some we don’t
and then there are the maybes
I regret meeting you, but then don’t
but even then I knew
I could not live
with or without you

The flight was a long haul
but it had to be made
the adventure was too good to pass
another country, another world
it might as well have been
but you weren’t there
holding my hand, reassuring me
but even then I knew
I could not live
With or without you

The return was emotion filled
a lifestyle I loved
for a woman and boy I loved
a country I loved
for a region I loved
hard choices have to be made
compromises shared
but even then I knew
I could not live
With or without you

Times were hard
the neighbours were bad
but we endured
something had to give
the straw always arrives
that breaks the back of us all
it was time to move on
another chapter, a new chapter
but even then I knew
I could not live
with or without you

The move went well
as well as these things can go
a new home, new neighbours
new surroundings
decor to choose
work to be done
concessions to be made
tolerances tested
but even then I knew
I could not live
with or without you

Prospects, lives, careers improved
money became a friend
who often took us out to dinner
or shared a bottle of wine
or two
a new car for new adventures
hills and valleys to explore
peace to be enjoyed
but even then I knew
I could not live
with or without you

The little girl
the one you were told about
all those years ago
became the greatest Christmas present
we both ever had or could ever get
that first day, that first hold
we both knew we were lost
hopelessly in love
but even then I knew
I could not live
with or without you

Then life conspired against us
a more dramatic change it could not bring
suddenly, my vitality was stolen
never to return?
the walks ended
the hand holding stopped
the kisses and hugs died
lovemaking became history
and even then I knew
I could not live
with or without you

And so, our journey continues
down this rocky road
we have Tinkerbell
the gift of a lifetime
it aint all bad is it?
there’s hope, always hope
but also realism
somehow we have to learn
how to live again
with or without each other.



Never a Dull Moment

I have a granddaughter I call Tinks [Tinkerbell] and she is hyperactive, just like her dad used to be. She tires me out. Yesterday, we spent the afternoon in the park, playing, watching the animals and playing some more. This poem is my little tribute/account of life as a grandad with Tinks, who I love dearly.

Upon my leg she brusquely tugs,
I want another one of your hugs,
How can I deny,
SO I dispense my reply,
In my arms she nestles so snug.

Upon my knee she doth vigorously ride,
I want another one of your slides,
How can I deny,
So I dispense my reply,
Down my legs she happily glides.

Upon my chest she doth softly lay,
Can we go outside to play?
How can I deny,
So I dispense my reply,
Off we go without further delay.

Upon my shoulder she doth gently nest,
I think I should rest,
How can I deny,
So I dispense my reply,
She’s tired, of that, I attest.

Upon my sofa she doth slyly creep.
I think I should drift off to sleep,
How could I deny,
So I dispensed my reply,
She dozed off with barely a peep.

Upon my bed she doth bound and leap,
You’ve had enough sleep,
It’s a new day,
And I am wanting to play,
So out of my bed I did slowly seep.

Theres never a dull moment its true,
So my recommendation to you,
Enjoy the peace whilst it last’s
Time goes incredibly fast,
But grandkids are worth all that you do.

I am a slide, a horse, a climbing frame, a little boy, a sleeping platform, cook, babysitter, playmate, confidant, ogre, monster slayer, story-teller, Prince, King, maker of silly sounds and faces, joker, hair washer, bath runner, builder of all things, fixer of all things, and most of all, a Grandad!

My submission to One Shot Wednesday.

First one over, Tino 1 Life 0

Monday, phew, what a day. But still standing, just, knackered, but worth the effort.

Tinkerbell got here this am at her usual time, but as the other grandma is away, she spent the day with us. I had booked the shopping delivery for 8-10am and Tinkerbell and grandma had the most of it put away before I surfaced. Thanks to them, the kitchen was tidy and just a few bits and bobs left to put into their respected places. That was great of them to do that as I just slept on. I doubt anything would have woken me last light, lol.

A trip to soft play was on for today, so it was time that grandma and Tinkerbell started getting ready for that. I was washing dishes again when I got a call from the bedrooms. Tinkerbell wanted grandad to go to soft play with her and grandma. Its the last thing I wanted [never been before] and said sorry, maybe next time. The look on Tinks face got me all welled up and I thought, ” You heartless bastard, how can you turn such a delightful request down”? I did a hasty rethink and said I would go, soon as I finsihed up the dishes and got dressed.

Its been freezing out there today. We set off and I am glad I put my thermal fleece on. I really should have had hat and gloves on as well, but the fleece was better than nothing. I ambled along, trying to keep up a decent pace, but it was a struggle, but finally made it and we all went in. It cost £3.50 for 2 hours for Tinks. We just sit and watch most of the time. I did have a Hot Chocolate to thaw me out somewhat and Tinks had a sandwich and some snacky thingamyjigs and a drink and off she went. Up and down, round the bend, over the water jump, round the canal turn, over valentines and the chair, down the slide and back to square one, only to be repeated a dozen times. [Anyone notice the ref to the Grand National in there]? Where the hell she gets her energy from I dont know. We stayed the full 2 hours. It did get very noisy at one stage which did make me regret having gone, but it soon quietened down a bit and all in all, I was very glad I went. I made it there and back and only sat whilst there, so it wasn’t too strenuous. We got home and I set to making a chicken stew for dinner. Then dad arrived to take Tinks home and to bed. She will be back with us tomorrow am and is staying over and we have to take her to nursery on Wed am.

So I am winning so far. I am managing to keep going, but I have to be careful I dont overdo things and put myself in a position where I am too tired to do anything.

The icing on the cake was just something I never thought I would see. Pokerspace, my favourite poker forum  has been a bit crazy of  late and a lot has been said and done that needed saying and doing, but its not always been pleasant as any readers of my other blogs will know. Well this evening, the head admin fella, who has been winding a lot of people up of late and making some appalling decisions, actually issued an open appology. My suspension only ended last week and upon sending him a personal message, we got into a preivate war of words again. I told him a few home truths and maybe things have just gotten on top of him of late. Fair enough, happens to us all at some point and issuing an appology goes a long way to putting things right. But until he learns how to deal with people properly, things wont improve and believe me, he has plenty to learn.

So I hope that the earlier part of the day is reflected when I hit the poker tables in about 2 hours time to play my first PS game since the suspension.

Tatty Bye for now.

That is the day that was.

Tired and a little hung over, but I got through it all without too much damage. Of what am I rambling about this time?

The Mining/Engineering Museum/Library was not what I expected. It’s a beautiful old building and the Library itself is a magnificent hall. The storage there is inadequate, so rooms in the depths of the building are used that I did not see.

The place appears to be the hangout of retired men, a few couples and students looking to gain experience in various forms of library and museum work for their studies. It was a little surreal. Having e-mailed Jennifer, the senior librarian, she was very warm and friendly and also a lesbian judging by the phone conversation I was privy to and her following explanation of it. That is by the by and of no importance, I just mention it in passing.

The work they do? Mostly archiving to a database, describing books by the page, which I find a little strange and storing books in acid free cardboard. There are also other areas, like keeping the network updated constantly for things like flash players etc etc and assisting new users. The new users appeals, the rest, hmmm, not so sure. There is a website, My Guide, developed to help first time computer users learn the basics. A lot of it is self-explanatory from what I have seen of it so far, but I can understand older generations not being comfortable and preferring to have someone assist them to begin with. I can do that for sure and I like to the idea of helping older people use something I am 100% comfortable with. I did train a lot of teenagers and examine plenty of people in my old job, so training/helping go hand in hand really. The place is really at capacity for volunteers who can be called upon, but not many My Guide helpers, so that could be the way forward? I am going to think it over before deciding anything.

The 80th birthday bash went off ok, after all the hassle of earlier in the week. It ended up with 9 adults and 1 Tinkerbell, who lapped up the attention of course. The “olds”arrived first and were into the first bottle of wine by the time the “youngs” arrived. With hellos and hugs out of the way, we got down to the serious issue of deciding what to eat. There were a multitude of dishes to choose from. Mostly pasta or pizza, but with a generous helping of chef’s specials, meat dishes and vegetarian options and a comprehensive “starters” list. The house white wine was a crisp Italian chardonnay/pino grigio blend that was on the sweeter side of dry. It went down very easily and a second bottle was on the table before we had gotten as far as eating. Due to driving/medication/work, most people were not drinking, so the 2nd bottle went pretty much in my direction with my partner helping out when she felt like a top up. A couple of beers were ordered, but mostly soft drinks were the order of the evening. The olives and garlic bread with dip were ok for pre meal nibbles and by the time the starters arrived, those plates were empty. The starters were delicious. The whiting [fish] were crisp and juicy and with lemon juice and mayonnaise, tasted divine. The ribs were ok, but the whiting took the prize by a long way as the starter to have. Our son had his usual plate of anti pasta which Tinkerbell happily got stuck into as well, in between visiting the various grandmas [3] grandads [1] and aunts [1] and cousins [1 1/2]. I think mom and dad were grateful for 5 minutes peace.

The place was busy, with a lot of families in for the pre 7 o’clock menus which were competitively priced. Most children were well-behaved, but the general buzz of conversation gave me a few problems, but more wine soon sorted that out to a more acceptable level.

The main courses were ample in amount and great in taste and were well varied across our table. The mutton dish of birthday girl was delicious [I wish I had chosen that] and the pizzas were all thin crust with various toppings, but a little too greasy for my liking. The pasta though was perfect. Cooked just right, with some beautiful sources and lashings of parmesan cheese. They went down very well and the wine complemented the pasta well.

Earlier in the week, a birthday cake had been bought from one of our favourite food shops and decorated by aunty Linda. She did a good job! That was given to the serving staff to hold onto until the end of the meal. Then the manageress bought it out with candles lit and we all sang happy birthday to Great Grandma [Nana]. They took the cake back and cut it up into good-sized portions and we all got stuck into that and it was lovely as ever. My partner and I both had coffee, which was ok, nothing special and we finished the wine off. The party started breaking up after a good 2 1/2 hours of sitting, eating and drinking and presents were given along with cards and hugs and kisses and mom, dad and Tinkerbell left, with Tinkerbell carrying the remnants of her pizza proudly in a box for her to eat at some point. They took Nana home and cousin and partner went off and the “other” grandma caught her bus home.

The only thing that spoilt it for me was being asked to leave. I like to sit and enjoy a good meal, good company and good wine at my own pace. The meal wasn’t exactly cheap and being asked to vacate the table was in my opinion, uncalled for. Apart from that, everyone had a good time and ate well and for once Nana was the centre of attention and loved every minute of it, lol.

The stragglers, Me, Laura [my lass] and aunty Linda went to the bar next door and sampled a couple of G&T’s before heading home.

All in all, a good night, an enjoyable night and not as bad as I thought it would be.


Damn, blast, buggama, bigorrah.  Its been the oddest 2 days I think I have ever known. Odd as in I dont seem able to comprehend some people and the way they think, wich is more than likely down to me being a slightly dememnted 40 something fighting to save his sanity.

On Friday of this week, my partners mother with turn 80. She is a lovely woman, dour sometimes, no doubt borne of a hard life, but I get along with her most of the time. So its been a time of organising and trying to get all the close family together for a celebratory meal on Friday night. Err, no. The phone call on monday morning went something like this.

Partner: Hello mam [mom, mum, we say mam] get you glad rags on for friday, we are all going out for a meal for your birthday.

Mam: I told you I didn’t want a fuss.

Partner: Mam, its you 80th and we just want to try and make it a special day.

Mam: I suppose I could go, but I doubt I will enjoy it.

Partner: If thats the way you feel, I will speak to you later.

What a thing to say. My partner has put some effort into making this happen. After finishing work the on Sunday, she went to a good local resturant, got a copy of the menu and booked a table for 5.30 pm. Mam doesn’t want to go. Phone calls to other family members ensue and everyone is getting slightly irate. Me, I just go with the flow as I am just a slightly demented 40 something fighting t osave his sanity.


Tinkerbell arrives as usual [our beautiful granddaughter we look after every Tuesday] and we all have breakfast [cup of tea for me, diet! We are playing and decide to go and see Nana [Mam] as she doesn’t see much of her great granddaughter. So we phone Nana and she says she has twisted her foot and is going to hospital. Meanwhile, Aunty Linda arrives who has panic attacks and so my partner, Aunty Linda and Tinkerbell all jump into a taxi and head off to the hospital to meet Nana and make sure she is ok. Its a ruse though. Anything to get out of going out on Friday. Nana has some xrays, complains that the man didn’t do them properly and all manner of things and goes home with a support bandage on, thats it. So my partner, Aunty Linda and Tinkerbell arrive home and plans have been made to go to Nana’s house on friday instead of going out. OK, better let everyone else know.

After dinner, Nana phones. Her foot is sore and maybe it would be better if we all went out on Friday instead. More phone calls, we are now going out on Friday again. Son arrives to pick up Tinkerbell and has his dinner as well. Phone rings, Aunty Linda. Nana has spoken to her and doesn’t want to go out, or have anyone at the house, too much fuss and her foot is sore. Phone calls? No friggen way, this is changing faster than a whores knickers and we need to wait 30 mins to see what happens next. Son phones Nana and tells her she is being selfish and is going out on Friday. Nana says no. Cousin Melanie has spoken to Nana and is broke so cant afford to go out. Grandad [moi] says no problem, he will pay and those that wish to offer something can do, those that dont/cant, its ok, no worries. Cousin Melanie is good to go. Nana phones son back and says Cousin Melanie will go after all and so will Cousin Richard if he finishes work in time. So now we are going out again on Friday and somehow along the way, Grandad [mug] picked up the tab? How did that just happen?

So until further notice, we are all going to Adriano’s on Friday at 5.30pm and anyone who dares to say otherwise is in severe danger of being hung, drawn, quartered, disembowled, beheaded, crucified and thrown to the lions.

Thank god she is only 80 once, more than that and I would be having a nervous breakdown. Did I mention I am just a slightly demented 40 something fighting to save his sanity? Maybe you can understand why now.

That was the day that was.

Tuesdays, I just love Tuesdays. After talking about my dislike of Sundays, Tuesdays carry the mantle of my favourite day. Why would anyones favourite day be a Tuesday? Pull up a sandbag, take a seat and I shall reveal all.

Tuesday is babysitting day and has been for almost three years now. We get the pleasure of our delightful granddaughter every Tuesday, all day. We feed her, we bath her and play with her and its the day where I forget about everything and my focus is 100% on her. I call her my Tinkerbell as she sprinkles a little magic everywhere she goes.

Unfortunately, Tinkerbell was up at 5am this morning. She is not the worlds greatest sleeper, that’s for sure, but 5am! So she was tired by the time she arrived with daddy. He drops her off on his way to work and picks her up again on his way home. Theres always a meal for him and we have usually already had our meal. So its been a full day indoors today. It was raining this am, so no big deal, we always manage to occupy her. She has a great imagination and loves make-believe games. I can still drive with her, unlike real life. We can go anywhere we choose and be whoever we want to be. She has her imaginary friend Thomas here today and he keeps running away like a naughty little boy and we have to find him. Like a game of hide and seek, only different. It’s great fun most of the time.

Things have been hectic of late with our son and his partner. They have put their house on the market and are looking for a new place of their own. The 3rd couple to view their house put in an offer that was accepted and our son put an offer in on another property which was also accepted. So anywhere in the next 12 weeks, matters should be finalised and our son and his little family will be moving. Fingers crossed all goes well. Our son also has a new job he found out today. He has just been promoted to Senior Operations Manager. Not bad for 31 and he has only been with the company 6 months. Great news. Better pay, better prospects. One downside, he has to travel sometimes. He will be looking after the Apple [yes that Apple] contract and that encompasses just about everywhere in the world. How often that travel will be is yet to be determined. The problem that now arises though is this. His partner is also in a job that demands some travel. Thankfully its only the UK, but she can still be away from home for two or three nights a week. So what the hell happens when they are both away is a bridge we shall cross when we come to it. My partner works part-time and we often have Tinkerbell stay with us for a night. That one night could end up becoming 2 or 3. Her other grandma is not in the best of health and finds it hard going to look after Tinkerbell for a day. She has never looked after her for longer than that and has not had her stay for a night.

So that’s his house sold, another house bought and a new job to boot. Is it any wonder I like Tuesdays?