At last its quiet, feel the peace,
I wondered if the noise would ever cease,
I sit now alone, the sound of silence is all that’s left,
The feeling, numb, now bereft.
Talk to me friend, break this space,
Talk to me, Speak with customary grace,
Words, they are all I have now,
Words, I think, with furrowed brow,
What did you say, the quiet deafens me here,
Speak, speak, whisper to this ear,
So far have I come, so long has it taken,
Oh don’t take this, don’t be mistaken,
No one owns this road, this path I walk,
All we ever did was roam, and talk,
But now words escape me, confuse me,
I still walk, you beside me, both free,
The air is still, calmed before the storm breaks,
Still, my heart, for you it aches,
Have I told you, recently, my memory fades,
Like the sun, hiding cunningly in shade,
Dims my senses, but the beacon burns bright,
It lights this cold and barren night,
Passion is mine now, hear these words,
The thrust is strong, blood stains this sword,
Cuts deep into the flesh of your love and feeling,
What have I done, I am frightened, reeling,
I see only the pains and the sorrows,
Steal, plunder, but be gone tomorrow,
Let them words die now, make it humane,
Words were never mine, yours, or constantly mundane,
Lay them to rest now, let them drift and wane,
Cease oh sorrow, cease oh pain,
Quiet, quiet, quiet so quiet.
I am alone.
How can anyone be so alone in a world of 6.5 billion people? It doesn’t make sense, never has. But some days, I could be the one and only person on the face of this planet.
I used to be more than happy, content with my own company, but these days I tend to get bored with myself. I read a lot, listen to music probably every day. I post blogs, used to be very active on a poker forum until recently and try to keep myself occupied. The more I try to occupy myself though the worse it gets, some days, not every day. I cannot find a reasonable explanation for it at all. I think about things maybe too much, so really I should be able to find somethings out about myself. One day I am ok, feel confident in going forward, then the next day, all the old doubts creep in again and I seem useless to stop it from happening. The doubts are what drove me to see a psychologist, but I dont feel much wiser now than I did then. Its not the world that pisses me off, its myself and the underlying sense of not knowing myself anymore. Its that I can’t figure out, its that I am trying to solve. The solution some days is within my grasp, I am sure of it, then I drop it and can’t find it again. Its a bloody enigma to myself, I have no idea how that is so.
One thing that is wierd though is, I play poker the exact same way. One day, I feel good about my game, I play a decent game and win more than I lose, but then tomorrow, that confidence is gone and I doubt my ability at the tables. When I feel that way, I make some awful decisions and play hands badly. To me, poker is about finding the “thin” value. Forget AA, KK etc etc. Its hands like TJs or 56s that you can disguise well and profit from. Its the full blown bluff that pays off and semi bluffs. They are where you make your profit or force mistakes. To be profitable, you have to make fewer mistakes than your opponents. But on those days where I am full of doubts again, I am the one making the mistakes ll on my own, my opponents dont need to force me into making them, I do it all by my lonesome. I cannot profit playing like that. I have all the theory up to and including intermediate level poker and quite a bit of advanced theory that I understand as well. Its hard to implement at the micro levels though. Its more or less fit or fold poker down there. Play the cards, your opponents dont care what you are trying to do, some dont even understand it. They think top pair with a crap kicker is a nailed one winner. In some ways it is, in other ways its spewing chips. I have come to think now I am at a real crosroads of my poker journey. I am not a winning player, or a losing one. I do ok, break even most of the time, less the rake, which means I am losing cash, just not at a great rate, but still losing it. That has to stop, or I need to change what I do. My usual TAG style is ok to a point, but I need to develop that into a more LAG style of play sometimes. I have the aggression, theres no doubting that. I am often the most aggressive player at a table [if you look at stats]. I have a solid pre flop game, but am weak post flop. I dont play too many hands, I dont overplay hands very often, but once that flop has come, thats where my game is weak. Theres a whole rainforest of pre flop strategy out there but not much post flop strategy. Post flop is all down to board texture, opponents, image etc etc. There are no set ways to play a hand post flop. Yes, certain ways of playing post flop are +EV, but thats over like 50k hands. I am too result orientated to get past that, although I know I must.
Well thats about it for today methinks. I only meant to write a short poem about how I feel today compared to yesterday, with a little edge to it that some will see and others wont, it depends on how you read it. I would like to think that someone out there in blog land see’s behind what I write instead of just the face value. I dont think I ma obtuse, but others might. I would love some feedback about that sometimes. Its great that some people like what I do, but to improve, I need some more critical feedback? maybe? I should be happy that people read some of my stuff and like it, but me being me, I want more, always want more. I could have the most passionate, loving woman that ever lived and I would still want more. I am not fullfilled, maybe that is the crux of the problem?
Anyway, gonna wrap it up there. More questions than answers as usual. But thats just the way the cookie crumbles.